Signs of the times

Current mood: Observant
Current music: Peter Cincotti, jazz pianist/vocalist extraordinaire

Hey, guess what? I've just won a lucky draw and am now entitled to bring 9 friends with me on an all-expenses-paid world tour! Woohoo! Watch out world, here we come! We're gonna see the sights in London and Paris and New York and Sydney and Rome, and laze around on beaches in Hawaii and Santorini and California and Phuket, and take in the natural beauty of New Zealand and the Rockies and the Alps...

So you'd all better be nice to me if you want to come along! : p

********************

Of course, if you've been paying attention to today's date, you would have realised that the above is, sadly, an utter and complete fabrication. Don't let that stop you from being nice to me, though. You never know, I might actually win one of these days (well, one can always dream)!

Anyway, enough fabulating. Today I'll be talking about signs I've really seen...

********************

Spotted on a packet of marshmallows: Ca+Fiber

I first read this as 'Cat fiber'. Yuck! I wouldn't want to eat something containing fibres from a cat! It took me a few seconds of further contemplation to decide that it was problem of word spacing, and that it actually said 'Ca plus Fiber', where 'Ca' stands for 'calcium'. Aah - calcium and fibre. That sounds a bit better. Though frankly I think it rather unlikely, since marshmallows are primarily made of air (maybe with a bit of sugar and starch thrown in).

********************

Spotted in a wedding boutique: The Moment of Eternal Happiness

This sign brings out the most nitpicky side of my character. The dictionary defines a 'moment' as 'a brief, indefinite interval of time', and 'eternal' as 'endless' or 'perpetual'. So surely 'the moment of eternal happiness' is a bit of a contradiction? It's either going to be a heckuva short eternity or an awfully long moment... Perhaps 'The Moment of Infinite Happiness' (infinite: immeasurably great or large; boundless) would be better?

********************

Spotted outside a school: A seriously fortified wall

The sign, which says 'Tutor Time International Nursery & Kindergarten', is of secondary interest here. What caught my eye was the layer of barbed wire. Or rather, TWO layers of barbed wire. Why the need for so much protection? Is it to keep bad guys out and stop them from kidnapping the, uh, kids, or is it to stop the little devils from running away and attacking hapless members of the public with a Lego gun, a plastic sword, and a full set of milk teeth?

The other thing I noticed about the barbed wire wall was that to show willing, someone had seen fit to decorate it with a string of colourful fairy lights. Barbed wire. Fairy lights. Barbed wire. Fairy lights.

I'm sorry, but my mind has difficulty in reconciling the two...

********************

Spotted in Tasmania: WATER BREEDING AREA


You don't have to breed water, dah-ling, you just grow it in ponds and rivers and seas and things. You can even grow it in the sky, in special fluffy white things called C-L-O-U-D-S. It's amazing how big you can grow water. Take the Pacific Ocean, for example - started off as a mere puddle 2.5 million years ago, and now look at it.

OK, OK, this one's slightly cheating as I haven't actually been to Tasmania. I was sent this picture in an e-mail. But it's pretty good all the same, isn't it?

********************

Spotted on a building: Prat Billiard Club

I kid you not. I came across this one whilst walking down a street somewhere in Kowloon (for non-Hong Kongers, this is the pointy sticky-out peninsula across the harbour from Hong Kong Island; the latter has the famous skyline, whilst the former is where photographers of the famous skyline go to take pictures). It was one of those signs that protrude from the sides of buildings, advertising the shops and restaurants and clubs inside - the kind of sign that is so famous and ubiquitous in places like Hong Kong and Tokyo. Sadly, the neon sign wasn't lit up so I couldn't take a decent photo of it for you. Still, you can look up the name in Google.com.hk if you don't believe me. Anyway, I think one can assume that the owners of this billiard club haven't the foggiest idea what 'prat' means (I'm not about to tell you - try the dictionary yourself!). There is also a building called Prat Mansions located on Prat Avenue, also in Kowloon. This gives rise to the somewhat worrying notion that 'Prat' might, in fact, be someone's name...

********************

Spotted in a public bathroom: Please Pull Down

Oh my goodness. Please pull down? Pull what down - trousers? Skirts? The sign in question was outside the cubicles. Good grief!

It turned out that the sign wasn't a call for public exposure, but referred instead to a fold-down table, which is meant to be used for changing babies' nappies and so forth. Whew.




What amused me even more, however, was a sign next to 'Please Pull Down' that said: 'Please do not take photo!' Why anyone felt that this sign should be necessary is quite beyond me. In any case, I was so tickled that I made a snapshot of the sign with my phone camera. Don't worry - I didn't 'take photo', I took photos. And in any case, I didn't use a flash camera (as pictured). So that's OK.

********************

Spotted outside someone's garage door: NO PAKING

What does 'paking' mean? I reckon that it could be a short-form of 'p***-taking'. So if someone's been winding you up and taking the mickey out of you all morning and you're getting fed up, you can just say: 'Hey, quit paking!' Or 'Oy, just shut up! You really like to pake, don't you?' It can also be used in a more generalised statement: 'Due to his lack of eloquence in making public speeches, everyone likes paking George W Bush.'


Of course, it's just possible that the sign misspelled 'parking', and the warning was to prevent people from leaving their cars immediately outside the garage door and preventing the inmates from driving in and out. In which case, whilst no-one can accuse me of parking, I shall have to plead guilty of paking their sign.

********************

Spotted in a store: Bottled people!

Well, that was the only conclusion I could draw. I was in the Vitamins and Health Supplements section of a pharmacy / 'personal store' (for all you Brits - think Boots) and found bottles labelled 'Men', 'Women', and 'Executives'. Wow! I can buy blokes in bottles? Cool! Do I have to add water or plant them in soil or something?


The great thing is, you're not limited to buying whole people - you can buy individual parts as well. Eyes, hair, brains - you name it, they've got it. In a bottle. So if you're suffering from the effects of aging and are concerned about imperfect vision, hair loss, and poor memory, you can replace what you've got with brand spanking new eyes and shiny hair and a brain bigger than Einstein's. Hurray!

Just as I was getting all excited about re-designing myself to be smarter and prettier, and getting a gorgeous executive hunk in a designer suit to boot, the saleslady came over and carefully explained that the bottles didn't contain condensed people or even bits of people, but vitamins and health supplements to improve men and women and eyes and brains. Aw, rats.

So I didn't get anything in the end, and walked out in a huff. Huh. Talk about misleading advertising.

********************

Anyway, the room is being permeated by the smell of paint wafting in from outside, and I'm being pestered by a pesky fly (I've opened the window for it but it just doesn't take a hint - it's been here for days, dammit!), so I suppose that these are sure signs that I must go... Tatty-bye, my dears!