In the bath

Current mood: Thinking Deep Thoughts (The meaning of life, the universe and everything = 42)
Current music: Lemon Jelly - In the Bath

From my experience, the bath is a great place in which to have deep thoughts. Perhaps it's the relaxing and peaceful feeling of being surrounded by nice warm water. Or maybe there's just a time warp in my bathroom, whereby time stretches out in unexpected ways, and my brain tries to fill in the prolonged period with thoughts. But I'm sure I'm not the only one. Didn't Archimedes work out his principle of buoyancy by observing the level of his bath water?

Never mind that for now. My musings have taken me away from 'How Much Water Does A Rubber Duck Displace' to 'The Nature Of Time'. For that, I shall have to refer to the great man, Albert Einstein.

According to Einstein's General Theory of Relativity, an object with a large mass distorts the space-time continuum. The distortion causes the effects of what we call 'gravity', as well as slowing down or 'dilating' time. This means that time passes more slowly for the driver of any large, unwieldy truck with the sign SLOW VEHICLE on the back, much to the frustration of all the small-car drivers nearby.

Far be it from me to argue with Einstein, not being sufficiently versed in the complex mathematics required to prove or disprove his theories; however, I feel that his theories of time could only be enhanced by my own theory, which provide a certain clarity and applicability to everyday life. I have divided my theory into three straightforward sections. Without further ado - here it is:

THE UNUSUAL AND UNIQUE THEORY OF TIME

'Unique' because it describes the behaviour of time differently for different individuals; 'unusual' because - well, it is a little strange. But probably not as strange as what Einstein dreamt up.

A. The Zonal Nature of Time

Some places or 'zones' are subject to a time warp effect. Do not confuse these with ordinary 'time zones', which usually apply to regions of time measured relative to the Prime Meridian at Greenwich, London.

1. Time passes more quickly in some zones.

Examples:
- Inside the bathroom, particularly in the bath
- Bookshops, especially the airport branches - one moment you're browsing through a book with a whole hour to spare, and the next thing you know, you're the last passenger being called for your flight

2. Time passes more slowly in other zones.

Examples:
- Outside the bathroom, particularly when you're dying to use the toilet but the person already inside is having a nice long bath
- Aeroplanes, when you're inside waiting for the darn thing to take off, but find that it's been delayed by some idiot passenger who is at this very moment running out of the airport bookshop towards the gate

B. The Circumstantial Nature of Time

Simply put: It all depends.

1. Time passes very slowly when you are waiting impatiently for something to happen.

Examples:
- Waiting in the mile-long queues for rides at Disneyland
- Waiting for guests to arrive at your big birthday bash, and wondering whether you've put the wrong date on the invitations
- Waiting by the phone for a call from an attractive member of the opposite sex, whom you met at a party last night. Unfortunately for you, he/she was too drunk to remember who you are, let alone retain the little piece of paper you scribbled your number on

2. Time passes too quickly when deadlines loom or when you are late for work.

Examples:
- Being stuck in a traffic jam at 8:50 am, when you have to be in the office for a 9 am meeting
- Frantically working on a 365-page annual report due the next morning, when you've only written up to page 181

3. Time passes quickly when you are doing anything fun, interesting, or simply absorbing. This fact is not published in any reputable physics book, despite being succinctly summarised in the oft-quoted proverb, "Time flies when you're having fun."

[According to Kermit the Frog, the actual proverb is "Time's fun when you're having flies", although I believe this version applies only to insectivores.]

Examples:
- Having a coffee with a friend, and being kicked out of the café at closing time, just when the caffeine-fuelled conversation was getting particularly scintillating
- Enjoying an excellent jam session with your mates, and suddenly realising that the hours have flown by and the next band are already outside, waiting to use the sound-proofed music room
- Reading a good book in the bright sunshine, curled up on a comfy sofa, only to look up when it's too dark to read
- Starting a blog entry at 5:30 pm, getting really wrapped up in the writing, finally clicking the 'Publish Post' button, then finding that it's already 9:30 pm and you've missed your dinner [Ahem. This example has nothing to do with real life. Well, not always. Well, maybe sometimes. Ahem.]

C. The Individualistic Nature of Time

Time moves in mysterious ways. For starters, it moves differently for different people. Really, it does.

1. Time passes more slowly for women than for men, except when women are getting ready to go out.

Examples:
- Woman: "You haven't called me in two whole weeks! Why have you been ignoring me?"
Man: "Gosh, it's been two weeks? I'm sorry, I hadn't noticed!"
or Less Tactful Man: "It's only been two weeks? Why, what are you complaining about?"

- Man: "You said you'd be ready in five minutes!"
Woman: "Is that five of your minutes, or five of my minutes?"
[N.B. The term "five minutes", as applied to a woman getting ready to go out, actually lasts for about 30 'normal' minutes.]

2. Time passes more slowly for children than for adults, particularly when both are travelling simultaneously. This effect is enhanced when the child in question requires the use of the bathroom. The same law also explains why birthdays, Christmas or other annual events appear to take "forever" to occur for a six-year-old, whereas they simply "whiz by" for someone aged sixty.

Examples:
- Child: "Mum, are we there yet? I really really really need to go!"

- Child: "That was the best birthday party I ever had!... When's my next one?"
Parent: "Next year, dear."
Child: "Next year?! But that's YEARS away!"

I hope you found my Unusual and Unique Theory of Time informative. Otherwise, just remember this:

THE LONGEST SECOND is the time between the moment you pick up your dropped watch, convinced that it has stopped and you've broken it through sheer clumsiness, to the time you are filled with relief on seeing its second hand move as though nothing has happened.

...Amazing, how an entire theory stemmed from random bath-tub pondering! I shall now pose you the question asked by Lemon Jelly:

"What do you do, in the bath?"

I'd like to hear about any Deep Thoughts From The Bath you've come up with. In fact, any theories or observations on life, the universe and everything will be much appreciated. Over to you, guys!

PS A huge thank-you to all... ONE of you who made a comment on my movies post last week. *Sigh* I just don't feel the rest of you are really trying...