Four penguins and a madness hamster

Current mood: Penguins! Penguins!
Current music: As far as I'm aware, Lemon Jelly have not yet recorded a song called 'Nice Weather for Penguins', a phrase which should describe how cold it gets in the winter; otherwise, that's what I'd be playing

Last Friday I went to Antarctica to see the penguins. As proof, I took a photo of them with my phone.


...Whaddaya mean, the penguins look a bit cardboardy? Huh. Cynics.

Well, all right, perhaps I didn't personally go to Antarctica, but someone else did, and took pictures of them, which is the main thing. Here's a better picture of the cute fluffy waddling swimmy creatures:

Penguin chick (to other penguin chick):
Don't you just hate it when Mum and Dad get all soppy?

I can see this is going to be a very penguiny blog entry. Might as well go the whole hog (why hog? Why not penguin?).

One by one, the penguins steal my sanity

Photo taken from 'The Emperor's Journey' website

Did you know that there's a Penguin Awareness Day? Actually there are several; various websites have mentioned the Appropriate Date for Promoting Sphenisciformes (that's 'penguins' in biological jargon) as January 15, January 19, and January 14. One website, daring to be different, declared April 25 to be Penguin Day, as that is the day on which penguins begin their annual migration northwards. In any case, I think it's kind of funny, setting a day on which to be aware of penguins. Technically I'm 'aware' of penguins all the time, just as I'm 'aware' that kangaroos are living in Australia, or 'aware' that (too few) tigers still prowl the wild jungles of Southeast Asia...

Ever heard of Edward Monkton? He does an interestingly bizarre line of greetings cards, books and other merchandise in the UK (sadly, they are nowhere to be found in Hong Kong), which mainly feature child-like, black-marker-on-paper drawings accompanied by captions that are quirky, funny, philosophical, optimistic, random, or just plain silly. He describes himself as a 'Poet. Artist. Philosopher. Interesting fellow.' I quite agree that he would probably be an interesting person to meet, if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't actually exist.

That's right - there IS no Edward Monkton.

Just as there is no Purple Ronnie.

Because both were created by the same designer, a Mr Giles Andreae, who apparently lives in Notting Hill.

I was a bit disappointed when I found out, to be honest. But never mind.

Anyway, my favourite card of his features 'The Penguin of Death' - it sounds a bit morbid, but is quite amusing nevertheless.


And here is the Penguin of Death in the flesh (well, in the fluff-and-cloth, anyway):


Pretty weird, eh? I've never figured out why the Penguin of Death has a smile under his beak. I thought his beak is his mouth. Enigmatic smile, indeed.

So, you want to find out more about the fictional Mr Monkton's work? Here's the link to his site:

http://www.edwardmonkton.com

Watch out for the 'Madness Hamsters' while you're browsing the website. They are a highly dangerous subspecies of the common hamster, are scientifically named Mesocricetus auratus insanus, and are known for their tendency to 'steal your brain and feed it to their Mum'.

For those of you with a quirky sense of humour and who are looking a laugh, visit the site. For those of you who are searching for the Meaning of Life, visit the site. I promise you'll find it. (Or possibly them. And no, for Edward Monkton, the answer isn't '42'.) For those of you who are looking neither for a laugh nor for the Meaning of Life, visit this site anyway. I'm sure someone's birthday is coming up soon (for a given value of 'soon'), and a funny card always comes in handy.

Enjoy!

PS All right, so I lied. There weren't four penguins and one hamster; there were THREE pictures of groups of penguins, two pictures of ONE Penguin of Death, and ONE picture of a trio of hamsters. But if I wrote 'A Whole Load of Penguins and Three Hamsters' in the title, then the 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' pun wouldn't have worked quite so well, would it?

PPS By the time you finish reading this, you might think that the penguins have stolen my sanity. Don't worry, they haven't. The hamsters did it.

DEDICATION: I dedicate this blog entry to the Purple Fluffy Dragon (you know who you are) currently residing in Cambridge, whose deep and profound knowledge of physics, mathematics, and chess does not imprint itself on my memory as strongly as his wonderful friendship, his love of jazz music, and his aptitude at origami (more specifically, his superior skill in folding paper birds of all kinds, including cranes, ducks, and of course PENGUINS). Whenever I see a penguin I shall think of you!

It's a quack

Current mood: Ducky
Current music: Lemon Jelly – Nice Weather for Ducks

Having mentioned Ogden Nash in my last entry, I feel compelled to include a little example of his humorous poetry, if only for the benefit of those who haven't heard of him. The following verse is dedicated to our web-footed friend:

The Duck by Ogden Nash

Behold the duck.
It does not cluck.
A cluck it lacks.
It quacks.
It is specially fond
Of a puddle or pond.
When it dines or sups,
It bottoms ups.

Image found on http://www.thebegavalley.com/1783.0.html

Now that we're on the subject of ducks, I'm throwing in a short story I wrote sometime this summer. If you've read it before, you can read it again, in this Brand New Super-Duper-Special Illustrated Edition! Yay! Enjoy, folks.

********************

NOTE: The following story may contain brief moments of violence. If you have a highly sensitive nature and are unlikely to be able to deal with such a disturbance, please read no further than the title, then go and feed breadcrumbs to some ducks.

The Happy Duck or A Story with Three Morals

Once upon a time there was a happy little duckling who lived on a lake. He was very happy because the lake had everything he could possibly wish for and desire, such as food to eat, lovely tall reeds to shelter him and of course, the company of other ducks. The little duckling splashed and played in the water and enjoyed his ducklinghood immensely.


Image found on http://www.greatartforgreatkids.com/
list.asp?nav=artist&artistid=18

This happy duck was a very special duck - he stayed happy as he reached adulthood, and did not develop the mass of personality problems other ducks did when they grew up. Other ducks suffered from executive stress (I have not earned enough breadcrumbs today), existential angst (oh, who have I been reduced to in the ravages of time, if I am no longer young and cute enough to beg breadcrumbs off those hare-brained tourists), and of course, paranoia (those may look like ordinary breadcrumbs to you, but I smell a rat). The happy duck remained blissfully free of these terrible afflictions.

So one fine autumn morning, when he was going for his daily swim, he completely and utterly failed to notice the hunter sneaking up on him, and was shot, plucked, roasted and served with orange sauce in time for the hunter's family dinner. Our hero might have been happy to know that he was the most delicious duck the family have ever tasted, and was therefore usefully producing a lot of satisfied and happy smiling faces.

Then again, maybe not.

Image found on http://innonthelake.com/gallery/default.asp?id=80

The first moral of this story is:
A happy duck is a tasty duck. Free-range farming is the way to go.

The second moral of this story is:
A healthy dose of paranoia never hurt anybody.

The third moral of this story is:
Be grateful you're not a duck, you sufferers of executive stress, existential angst and extreme paranoia. At least you don't need to worry about breadcrumbs.

THE END

********************

I hope you liked that. And for dessert, I have here a lovely picture of a mother duck and her adorable little ducklings (thanks for the pic, Lou!). Aren't the little ones sweet?


Hey, where'd they go?

Limerick gimmerick

Current mood: Poetic(ish)
Current music: Ooh, a mystery jazz band is playing outside... How exciting!

I have decided that my special tribute for the winner of the 'Guess the Proverb!' quiz shall take the form of a limerick. I shall now present the prize in an appropriate manner.

...And the winner is... [Drum roll] ...Edsters! [Please applaud here]

A brilliant young man called Edsters
Could solve puzzles while dozing in bedsters.
From erudite verse
To physics, or worse -
He'd work them all out in his headsters.

I did an Ogden Nash there, by making up words in order to form rhymes. I'm not sure many words do rhyme with 'Edsters'. However, I have attempted a Version 2, which does not rhyme quite as well as Version 1, but at least it doesn't use blatantly invented words.

A talented wordsmith named Edsters
Knew every last entry in Webster's.
He's read OED*
Up to Volume Twenty,
And memorised 'aardvark' to 'zesters'.

*The Oxford English Dictionary, the full version of which contains 20 volumes.

Pas mal, n'est-ce pas? Not exactly hilarious, but it is at least interestingly silly. Anyway, Edsters, we are all expecting a speech now, so here's your moment in the limelight! [Yours truly sidles offstage]

In the pink or out of the blue?

Current mood: Fashion-police mode, with a sting
Current music: James Blunt

Halloween has come and gone, ghosts and ghouls have haunted the streets, and all manner of undead have walked the earth. But none were as scary as... The men in pink. [Cue bloodcurdling scream]

Yes, today's rant is a rather shallow complaint about men in pink shirts. I'm not talking about those pale pink collar-and-buttons shirts that can be cunningly offset with a charcoal grey suit to surprisingly good effect. I'm talking about casual t-shirts in bright pink. The kind of lurid pink commonly found on bubblegum, fluorescent highlighters or hallucinative elephants (as seen under the influence of too much vino). The kind of pink, in fact, to turn Barbie green with envy. Got the picture? Anyway, lately there have been a LOT of local men wearing t-shirts in this excessively vivid hue, even when it wasn't Halloween. Straight men, in fact. Once I spotted a guy with his girlfriend, both sporting matching garments of bright pink. It's like Ken trying to look like Barbie. Rather bizarre, and not a little annoying.

Now, before you put me down as sexist in a kind of 'boys wear blue, girls wear pink' way, let me explain that personally, I like blue a lot, and have practically everything in blue. I don't like pink all that much; certain shades can be quite pretty, but given the choice between a nice pink and a nice blue, I'd definitely go for the blue. So I admit that my prejudice against guys in pink stems primarily from my own dislike of extreme pinkness.

You won't catch me in a dress like this

[Picture found on the 'Emily the Strange' website]

I recently bought the James Blunt album, 'Back to Bedlam', although from an ad on the local HMV site it would appear that the album is called 'Back to Bed' (the 'lam' was amputated through lack of space). This new title is a far cry from the original, as sleep is generally impossible in a state of bedlam... Anyway, all I know about this relatively new British artist is that he's been everywhere, done everything, and is now singing about it. Apparently he was a captain in a reconnaissance unit at Kosovo, with his guitar bolted to the outside of his tank until he used it during quieter moments - now that's certainly not something everyone's done! His album's pretty good. While I might not agree with his choice of words in some of his songs, he does have some excellent tunes. Catchy mellow-rock music - watch out, Coldplay!

Today's Amazing Revelation: Wasps drink Coca-Cola! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, wasps enjoy sipping at this effervescent mixture of carbonic acid, phosphoric acid, sucrose and aqua. I saw this first-hand a few weekends ago, when I went on a boat trip with the people at work. This was just before the hot weather gave up and went south for the winter, when the sun was still shining, the sky was blue (or would've been, were it not for the slight haze) and the sea - this is in a remote, unpolluted part of Hong Kong - was a brilliant emerald green, and crystal clear. I managed to take this little photo on my phone.

Beautiful day, wasn't it? I had a great time paddling about in the shallower water near the beach, or sitting on the boat sketching the scenery. The only thistle in the rose-garden, as it were, was the invasion of our luncheon by a wasp. Or at least, it started with one wasp. This particular wasp came a-buzzing over the lovely food, finally settled on someone's cup of cola, and crawled in to have a little taste. Someone managed to trap it in there by covering the cup with a paper plate. Then along came Wasp no. 2, hot on the trail of Wasp no. 1 - probably following some kind of chemical message, along the lines of "I found food!", which the first wasp left in the air. I assume this is the case, as Wasp 2 hovered around then paused right next to the cup in which Wasp 1 was imprisoned. Someone managed to trap Wasp 2, then Wasp 3 came along to join the fun... I think we ended up trapping at least five wasps, although I'm not sure how we managed to get rid of them, since by this time I'd excused myself from the table, in search of some wasp-free open air...

Anyway, I promised the answers to the 'Guess the Proverb!' quiz I posted last week. I have received only one entry (I assume everyone else was too wrapped up in the sudoku puzzle to pay any attention) and he got it right, so well done Edsters! You'll get a personal message of congratulations from me. Everyone else gets a raspberry - thrrrrrrrrrrbt! Here are the answers:

1. Osculate and conciliate - Kiss and make up
2. Surveillance should precede saltation - Look before you leap
3. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity - Beauty is only skin deep
4. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony - Dead men tell no tales
[Funny how they didn't mention whether dead women tell tales or not!]
5. Emanating from a culinary vessel into a site of pyrogenic activity - Out of the frying pan and into the fire
6. Unwanted egotism prophesies the speedy effect of the force of gravity - Pride goes before the fall
7. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous - All that glitters is not gold
[Note: This is only the popular version of the proverb. According to the excellent Edsters, the original phrase is "All that glisters is not gold", a quote from Shakespeare's 'The Merchant of Venice'.]
8. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid - There's no use crying over spilt milk
9. Projecting short, loud noises erroneously towards the top of an arboreal plant - Barking up the wrong tree
10. The incontinently astirring rasorial vertebrate apprehends the vermicular invertebrate - The early bird catches the worm
11. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, bryophytic plant - A rolling stone gathers no moss
12. Each mass of vapoury collection suspended in the firmament has an interior decoration of metallic hue - Every cloud has a silver lining
13. It hath been deemed unwise to calculate upon the quantity of junior poultry prior to the completion of proper incubation - Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched
14. It requires a number of people greater than one to perform a terpsichorean series of low dips and twisting steps on the toes - It takes two to tango
15. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow - All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
16. Compounds of hydrogen and oxygen in the proportion of two to one that are without visible movement invariably tend to flow with profundity - Still waters run deep
17. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain compatibles - Too many cooks spoil the broth
18. Missiles of ligneous or lithoidal consistency have the potential of fracturing my osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous - Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me
19. Equine quadrupeds may indubitably be induced to approach that well-known standard of specific gravity, but not necessarily be induced to imbibe thereof - You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink
20. He who locks himself into the arms of Morpheus promptly at eventide and starts the day before it is officially announced by the rising sun, excels in physical fitness, increases in economic assets, and cerebrates with remarkable efficiency - Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
[I prefer the Animaniacs version: 'Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead']
21. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation - He who laughs last, laughs best

Got them all right? I found most of these from a site called 'Obfuscations', although in some cases I made some minor changes (for example when their words were misspelled or didn't seem to make sense), and I made up one of these myself. You can also find 'Fairy Tales for the Erudite' (as mentioned in the last post) and 'Nursery Rhymes for the Erudite' on the site:

http://www.obfuscations.com

My goodness, look at the time! 'Tis late and the thought of dinner beckons... Pip pip, peeps!