... And twenty answers
Current mood: Answering back
Current music: (Super) Duper Sessions by Sondre Lerche
Tah-daah! Edsters and I have now finished writing the answers to the interview questions in the last post. I shall now present them here in all their monochromatic glory.
Just a note before I begin, though - although most of these questions have only one answer, some of them have two - one by me, the other by my friend - whenever our views diverge or when we feel we ought to give both sides of an argument. A bit of variety is always good.
And remember, these are only possible answers... There might be better ones somewhere out there in the multiverse... But it's your job to find them!
Work Attitude
1. Would you be happy working in an office where the sanity of your colleagues cannot be guaranteed?
~ I didn't realise that there was any other alternative.
2. If it takes five people to write five reports in five days, how many hours of overtime are you willing to work in order to do all five reports in one day?
~ Would that be 'one day' as in, say, Monday, or 'one day' as in 24 hours, which could be spread over the course of three working days? In the case of the former, I'd outsource. In the case of the latter, I'd still outsource, but hire fewer helpers. As far as overtime goes, that would depend entirely on the rate you pay me.
3. When dealing with difficult situations at work, would you say that you take on a role more akin to that of a duck-billed platypus or a ring-tailed lemur? Why?
~ Aureala: A duck-billed platypus. I would try and see the viewpoint of both parties, and weigh the pros and cons of each available solution. The platypus has obviously tried weighing the advantages and the disadvantages of being a bird and a mammal, and living on land or in water, and settled for the bits it liked best.
~ Edsters: A ring-tailed lemur. With my boundless enthusiasm, clear vision, and ability to look sideways at a problem (lemurs being well-known for their tendency to run sideways whilst on the ground), I'd soon come up with a solution which would be acceptable to all concerned. Plus, if anyone disagreed with me, I could mesmerise them with my stripy tail.
4. We're concerned that you only want this job to earn money, gain valuable work experience, and offer us the benefit of your skills and expertise. What can you say to prove us wrong?
~ To be perfectly frank sir, I only applied because one of my potential co-workers is really rather cute.
5. What do you consider to be your Unique Selling Proposition (USP), and what benefits do you think our company will gain from owning you?
~ My unique selling proposition is of course my native wit. As far as 'owning' me goes, I refuse to sell my soul to the Devil, or to anyone else, so if a contract of that nature is involved I shall withdraw from offering your company any benefits whatsoever.
6. Do you consider that you usually take a proactive approach to your work? So why are you sitting here waiting for us to offer you a job?
~ (1) No. (2) See above.
7. What is it about working that appeals to you, rather than, say, running away to sea, or starting your own island nation in the South Pacific?
~ Seasickness, alas, is my unfortunate malady. Even the thought of being surrounded by the sea makes me seasick. So any line of work which does not involve the sea appeals to me tremendously.
8. Do you pick out mistakes on restaurant menus? If so, how might your pedantry affect your future performance at our company? If not, to what cause do you attribute your deplorable deficiency in your powers of observation, and what are you going to do about it?
~ Actually I find that I pick out mistakes on restaurant menus all the time; or rather, on one restaurant menu in particular. There's an Italian restaurant on my road with a large blackboard outside announcing the day's specials, and not only do they get a lot of the English words wrong, but some of the Italian ones as well! The best mistake ever was their advertisement for a specially priced 'three-curse menu'. As an avid reader of the Harry Potter books, I decided not to sample this, just in case it wasn't a mistake and they were planning to administer the three unforgivable curses for dinner. How would my pedantry affect my future performance? Well, as you can see, I'm very skilled at spotting the presence of dark magic, and I hardly need to tell you how valuable an asset that could be. Have you even considered how you would protect your company against magical attack? No, I thought not - I find it's a bit of a blind spot with most employers.
Personality Questions
9. If you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be?
~ Aureala: If I were a biscuit then I'd be... well, not a biscuit at all, but a Jaffa Cake*. Partly because it's sweet and likeable, with a bit of a soft heart - not unlike me - and partly because I'm a bit of a rebel and if I were told to be a biscuit then I would be one that looked like a biscuit but wasn't one really.
* Jaffa Cakes are officially cakes, not biscuits. There was some lawsuit about it, due to a difference in the way biscuits and cakes are taxed. Like cakes, Jaffa Cakes turn hard when they are stale, whereas biscuits go soggy. It might also interest you to know that the orange-coloured jelly inside each Jaffa Cake is not orange-related at all, but is in fact apricot jam... Hence the careful wording on the package, 'orangey bits' as opposed to just 'orange bits'.
~ Edsters: I'd be some kind of cookie. I'd have chocolate chips and hazelnuts and possibly a few pieces of ginger as well, which would represent all the different aspects of my character. But I think I might be a chocolate-covered cookie, so none of these things would be obvious on the surface. As a chocolate-covered cookie, all my 'hidden edges' would be safely concealed under a sweet and unassuming exterior.
Note to the reader: Edsters has a long history of unexpectedly making rather cutting remarks, a trait which has been referred to as his 'hidden edges' on more than one occasion, by different people. Our resident psychiatrist's analysis on Edsters' cookie components are as follows:
1. Chocolate chips - because he's sweet on the inside, too
2. Ginger - a hidden hint of sharpness for his surprisingly biting remarks
3. Hazelnuts - because frankly he is a little bit nutty, a personality trait he shares with Aureala, which is all well and good
10. Are you now, or have you ever been, the kind of person to move someone else's cheese? How do you justify your behaviour?
~ I would never move someone else's cheese unless I felt its location presented a genuine obstacle - either literal or metaphorical - to the achievement of my company's operational goals. Of course, in the first instance I would use my skills of persuasion to encourage the owner of the cheese to move it without any further intervention from me, but if they persistently failed to do so, I would consider myself obliged to take decisive action and move it myself.
11. What's the one thing about you that you really wouldn't want us to know?
~ I get a terrible, terrible desire to hit interviewers who ask ridiculous questions in a pathetic attempt to wind me up.
12. If your house were on fire, what's the first thing you'd take out, and why? How can you prove that your answer is your true one and not, say, something carefully thought up so that we would think you had a nice, well-balanced personality?
~ I'd take out home insurance, specifically one that covered damage by fire. That way, when I returned home, I would be shocked and horrified by the damage that had been caused, but still feel lucky that (1) I'm alive, and (2) I had taken out insurance just in time, and would therefore receive a huge wad of cash from the insurance company. Incidentally, given the frankness of my answer, you can be pretty sure that I'm not just saying what you want to hear and pandering to your wishes.
Thinking Outside the Box
13. What did the ugly duckling say to the rubber duck?
~ Quack quack-quack quack-quack quack quack-quack quack quack quack quack quack quack-quack quack-quack quack quack-quack quack-quack quack quack-quack-quack quack-quack.
(Translation: It doesn't matter how perfect you look if you can never enjoy a moment's delight in savouring breadcrumbs.)
14. Please describe your employment history in a witty allegorical tale involving characters drawn from Aesop's fables.
~ Aureala: I am rather like the grapes in the fable, 'The Fox and the Grapes'. I might be sweet or I might be sour, but you'll only find out if you manage to get me... I'm very much in demand, you know. The question really is: Are you like the fox?
~ Edsters: I once saw a crow with a piece of cheese, at a time when there was a severe shortage of cheese in the business community. Seeing that the crow was prone to flattery, and too ignorant to realise the value of cheese as a motivational business tool, I persuaded it to sing, thereby moving its cheese out of its beak and into my waiting jaws. I must stress that I only did so as a result of the severe shortage of cheese at the time, which presented an obstacle to the achievement of my company's operational goals (see Question 10).
15. Please give three examples of times when you've used your interpersonal skills to settle a major international conflict.
~ (1) I once settled an argument between Aunt Leticia and Aunt Betty on 'What You Said About Our Gemma' and thus prevented World War Three.
(2) I called up David Letterman, Oprah and Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes Plus to do a special report on George Dubya's shady side. As a result, his popularity ratings have gone way down and his prospects for the next election are abysmal. By doing this, I have prevented World War Three.
(3) If you don't stop asking me these stupid questions I fully intend to start World War Three. However, I shall simultaneously prevent World War Three by calming myself down and counting to 100. In five different languages.
16. We like employees who are prepared for any eventuality. What would your plan of action be if a massive comet - similar to the putative comet that wiped out the dinosaurs - slammed into the Earth one Tuesday afternoon, two days before a major deadline?
~ I would immediately liquidate the company, and use the cash gained to build an enormous shelter for all of the company's employees and their families. The shelter would be all-inclusive, and of course contains a lifetime's supply of food*, running water, heating, drinks - hmm, make that a bar and Internet cafe, a night-club (resident DJ and live band included), a gym, a swimming pool, and a park. In fact, as this eventuality requires so much preparation, I would recommend the company be liquidated immediately as it is only a matter of time before the comet strikes. As far as the 'deadline' goes - well, if you don't follow my advice about building the shelter, you'd be 'dead' anyway.
* Of course, if you run out of food, you die. Hence, 'a lifetime's supply of food'.
17. It is a strange, but true, fact that 'Elvis' is an anagram of 'lives'. Describe your closest encounter with the King of Rock and Roll, and state your theory as to his current whereabouts. Please be warned that the management is firm in the belief that Elvis lives, and that any mention of the words 'death', 'died', 'deceased' or 'graveyard' in concurrence with the King will result in your immediately being shot. Sorry, did I say shot? I meant fired. Only I haven't hired you yet. OK, shot it is.
~ It's funny you should ask this, because I actually saw the King only about a week ago. I was on the way to my local Sainsbury's, thinking I would go when it was quiet during the graveyar - sorry, the night shift - and as I went down the street I saw him walking towards me, wearing gold-framed sunglasses and carrying two bags of shopping from the aforementioned supermarket. It was one of those awkward situations where I tried to pass him on his left, and he tried to pass me on my right, so we both ended up going to the same side of the pavement and neither of us showed any sign of giving way. I finally got past him on the side I'd intended, but he gave me a really black look, when it was his fault all along, as I'd started moving to that side of the pavement long before he did! So unfortunately Elvis does live, and is causing much irritation to innocent law-abiding pedestrians. However, since it appears that he lives near me and goes to the same supermarket, you'll be able to get regular updates on his whereabouts if you give me a job.
18. Can you recite the whole of 'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers' backwards, and repeat it three times?
~ Yes. (Turns around) Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...
Metaphysical Conundrums
19. What did you do with the peanut?
~ Are you referring to the peanut currently lodged in the external end of your left ear canal?
20. Do you think these questions are leading anywhere?
~ I was hoping that they would eventually lead to your hiring me, but I am beginning to wonder if this is in fact the case.
Bonus Question:
Are You Paying Attention?
21. I have in my lunchbox the following: an ostrich egg and watercress sandwich made with pumperhumperdumpernickel bread; a cup of Nearly Instant Tomato Potato Soup; a multigrain, multiberry muffin; a packet of Oreos from the Dawn of Time; a banana with 'a.m.' written on it (for my Mid-Morning Banana Break); another banana with 'p.m.' written on it (for my Late Luncheon Banana Break); three cream crackers escorted by a scantily decorated tub of cream cheese; and a Warbly Marbly Black 'n' White ChocoBar. Please estimate the precise calorific value of my lunchbox (excluding its contents), to the nearest 0.001 of a kilocalorie.
~ The lunchbox is assumed to be of the smallish, plastic variety.
Typical heat of combustion of plastic = 18,000 BTUs/lb = 4,538.95921 kCal/lb
Approximate weight of lunchbox = 4 oz = 0.25 lbs
Therefore, calorific value of lunchbox = 4,538.95921 x 0.25 = 1,134.7398025 kCal = 1,134.740 kCal (to the nearest 0.001 of a kilocalorie)
So there.
Note to the reader: As the value I procured for the 'typical heat of combustion of plastic' was in BTUs/lb, I was unfortunately forced to use imperial units for the above calculation. In an age of standardisation, when everyone uses metric (well, except Americans I guess), this irks me greatly. If you are clever enough to redo the calculation using metric units, and still manage to come out with a result in kilocalories, please let me know!
Wasn't that nice? Now you can all go out to your job interviews, armed with the knowledge that whatever damn fool questions they throw at you, there's always a comeback line...
Current music: (Super) Duper Sessions by Sondre Lerche
Tah-daah! Edsters and I have now finished writing the answers to the interview questions in the last post. I shall now present them here in all their monochromatic glory.
Just a note before I begin, though - although most of these questions have only one answer, some of them have two - one by me, the other by my friend - whenever our views diverge or when we feel we ought to give both sides of an argument. A bit of variety is always good.
And remember, these are only possible answers... There might be better ones somewhere out there in the multiverse... But it's your job to find them!
********************
20 Weird Interview Questions
By Edsters & Aureala
By Edsters & Aureala
BRAND NEW EDITION!
Now with added answer key for easy candidate assessment!
Now with added answer key for easy candidate assessment!
Work Attitude
1. Would you be happy working in an office where the sanity of your colleagues cannot be guaranteed?
~ I didn't realise that there was any other alternative.
2. If it takes five people to write five reports in five days, how many hours of overtime are you willing to work in order to do all five reports in one day?
~ Would that be 'one day' as in, say, Monday, or 'one day' as in 24 hours, which could be spread over the course of three working days? In the case of the former, I'd outsource. In the case of the latter, I'd still outsource, but hire fewer helpers. As far as overtime goes, that would depend entirely on the rate you pay me.
3. When dealing with difficult situations at work, would you say that you take on a role more akin to that of a duck-billed platypus or a ring-tailed lemur? Why?
~ Aureala: A duck-billed platypus. I would try and see the viewpoint of both parties, and weigh the pros and cons of each available solution. The platypus has obviously tried weighing the advantages and the disadvantages of being a bird and a mammal, and living on land or in water, and settled for the bits it liked best.
~ Edsters: A ring-tailed lemur. With my boundless enthusiasm, clear vision, and ability to look sideways at a problem (lemurs being well-known for their tendency to run sideways whilst on the ground), I'd soon come up with a solution which would be acceptable to all concerned. Plus, if anyone disagreed with me, I could mesmerise them with my stripy tail.
4. We're concerned that you only want this job to earn money, gain valuable work experience, and offer us the benefit of your skills and expertise. What can you say to prove us wrong?
~ To be perfectly frank sir, I only applied because one of my potential co-workers is really rather cute.
5. What do you consider to be your Unique Selling Proposition (USP), and what benefits do you think our company will gain from owning you?
~ My unique selling proposition is of course my native wit. As far as 'owning' me goes, I refuse to sell my soul to the Devil, or to anyone else, so if a contract of that nature is involved I shall withdraw from offering your company any benefits whatsoever.
6. Do you consider that you usually take a proactive approach to your work? So why are you sitting here waiting for us to offer you a job?
~ (1) No. (2) See above.
7. What is it about working that appeals to you, rather than, say, running away to sea, or starting your own island nation in the South Pacific?
~ Seasickness, alas, is my unfortunate malady. Even the thought of being surrounded by the sea makes me seasick. So any line of work which does not involve the sea appeals to me tremendously.
8. Do you pick out mistakes on restaurant menus? If so, how might your pedantry affect your future performance at our company? If not, to what cause do you attribute your deplorable deficiency in your powers of observation, and what are you going to do about it?
~ Actually I find that I pick out mistakes on restaurant menus all the time; or rather, on one restaurant menu in particular. There's an Italian restaurant on my road with a large blackboard outside announcing the day's specials, and not only do they get a lot of the English words wrong, but some of the Italian ones as well! The best mistake ever was their advertisement for a specially priced 'three-curse menu'. As an avid reader of the Harry Potter books, I decided not to sample this, just in case it wasn't a mistake and they were planning to administer the three unforgivable curses for dinner. How would my pedantry affect my future performance? Well, as you can see, I'm very skilled at spotting the presence of dark magic, and I hardly need to tell you how valuable an asset that could be. Have you even considered how you would protect your company against magical attack? No, I thought not - I find it's a bit of a blind spot with most employers.
Personality Questions
9. If you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be?
~ Aureala: If I were a biscuit then I'd be... well, not a biscuit at all, but a Jaffa Cake*. Partly because it's sweet and likeable, with a bit of a soft heart - not unlike me - and partly because I'm a bit of a rebel and if I were told to be a biscuit then I would be one that looked like a biscuit but wasn't one really.
* Jaffa Cakes are officially cakes, not biscuits. There was some lawsuit about it, due to a difference in the way biscuits and cakes are taxed. Like cakes, Jaffa Cakes turn hard when they are stale, whereas biscuits go soggy. It might also interest you to know that the orange-coloured jelly inside each Jaffa Cake is not orange-related at all, but is in fact apricot jam... Hence the careful wording on the package, 'orangey bits' as opposed to just 'orange bits'.
~ Edsters: I'd be some kind of cookie. I'd have chocolate chips and hazelnuts and possibly a few pieces of ginger as well, which would represent all the different aspects of my character. But I think I might be a chocolate-covered cookie, so none of these things would be obvious on the surface. As a chocolate-covered cookie, all my 'hidden edges' would be safely concealed under a sweet and unassuming exterior.
Note to the reader: Edsters has a long history of unexpectedly making rather cutting remarks, a trait which has been referred to as his 'hidden edges' on more than one occasion, by different people. Our resident psychiatrist's analysis on Edsters' cookie components are as follows:
1. Chocolate chips - because he's sweet on the inside, too
2. Ginger - a hidden hint of sharpness for his surprisingly biting remarks
3. Hazelnuts - because frankly he is a little bit nutty, a personality trait he shares with Aureala, which is all well and good
10. Are you now, or have you ever been, the kind of person to move someone else's cheese? How do you justify your behaviour?
~ I would never move someone else's cheese unless I felt its location presented a genuine obstacle - either literal or metaphorical - to the achievement of my company's operational goals. Of course, in the first instance I would use my skills of persuasion to encourage the owner of the cheese to move it without any further intervention from me, but if they persistently failed to do so, I would consider myself obliged to take decisive action and move it myself.
11. What's the one thing about you that you really wouldn't want us to know?
~ I get a terrible, terrible desire to hit interviewers who ask ridiculous questions in a pathetic attempt to wind me up.
12. If your house were on fire, what's the first thing you'd take out, and why? How can you prove that your answer is your true one and not, say, something carefully thought up so that we would think you had a nice, well-balanced personality?
~ I'd take out home insurance, specifically one that covered damage by fire. That way, when I returned home, I would be shocked and horrified by the damage that had been caused, but still feel lucky that (1) I'm alive, and (2) I had taken out insurance just in time, and would therefore receive a huge wad of cash from the insurance company. Incidentally, given the frankness of my answer, you can be pretty sure that I'm not just saying what you want to hear and pandering to your wishes.
Thinking Outside the Box
13. What did the ugly duckling say to the rubber duck?
~ Quack quack-quack quack-quack quack quack-quack quack quack quack quack quack quack-quack quack-quack quack quack-quack quack-quack quack quack-quack-quack quack-quack.
(Translation: It doesn't matter how perfect you look if you can never enjoy a moment's delight in savouring breadcrumbs.)
14. Please describe your employment history in a witty allegorical tale involving characters drawn from Aesop's fables.
~ Aureala: I am rather like the grapes in the fable, 'The Fox and the Grapes'. I might be sweet or I might be sour, but you'll only find out if you manage to get me... I'm very much in demand, you know. The question really is: Are you like the fox?
~ Edsters: I once saw a crow with a piece of cheese, at a time when there was a severe shortage of cheese in the business community. Seeing that the crow was prone to flattery, and too ignorant to realise the value of cheese as a motivational business tool, I persuaded it to sing, thereby moving its cheese out of its beak and into my waiting jaws. I must stress that I only did so as a result of the severe shortage of cheese at the time, which presented an obstacle to the achievement of my company's operational goals (see Question 10).
15. Please give three examples of times when you've used your interpersonal skills to settle a major international conflict.
~ (1) I once settled an argument between Aunt Leticia and Aunt Betty on 'What You Said About Our Gemma' and thus prevented World War Three.
(2) I called up David Letterman, Oprah and Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes Plus to do a special report on George Dubya's shady side. As a result, his popularity ratings have gone way down and his prospects for the next election are abysmal. By doing this, I have prevented World War Three.
(3) If you don't stop asking me these stupid questions I fully intend to start World War Three. However, I shall simultaneously prevent World War Three by calming myself down and counting to 100. In five different languages.
16. We like employees who are prepared for any eventuality. What would your plan of action be if a massive comet - similar to the putative comet that wiped out the dinosaurs - slammed into the Earth one Tuesday afternoon, two days before a major deadline?
~ I would immediately liquidate the company, and use the cash gained to build an enormous shelter for all of the company's employees and their families. The shelter would be all-inclusive, and of course contains a lifetime's supply of food*, running water, heating, drinks - hmm, make that a bar and Internet cafe, a night-club (resident DJ and live band included), a gym, a swimming pool, and a park. In fact, as this eventuality requires so much preparation, I would recommend the company be liquidated immediately as it is only a matter of time before the comet strikes. As far as the 'deadline' goes - well, if you don't follow my advice about building the shelter, you'd be 'dead' anyway.
* Of course, if you run out of food, you die. Hence, 'a lifetime's supply of food'.
17. It is a strange, but true, fact that 'Elvis' is an anagram of 'lives'. Describe your closest encounter with the King of Rock and Roll, and state your theory as to his current whereabouts. Please be warned that the management is firm in the belief that Elvis lives, and that any mention of the words 'death', 'died', 'deceased' or 'graveyard' in concurrence with the King will result in your immediately being shot. Sorry, did I say shot? I meant fired. Only I haven't hired you yet. OK, shot it is.
~ It's funny you should ask this, because I actually saw the King only about a week ago. I was on the way to my local Sainsbury's, thinking I would go when it was quiet during the graveyar - sorry, the night shift - and as I went down the street I saw him walking towards me, wearing gold-framed sunglasses and carrying two bags of shopping from the aforementioned supermarket. It was one of those awkward situations where I tried to pass him on his left, and he tried to pass me on my right, so we both ended up going to the same side of the pavement and neither of us showed any sign of giving way. I finally got past him on the side I'd intended, but he gave me a really black look, when it was his fault all along, as I'd started moving to that side of the pavement long before he did! So unfortunately Elvis does live, and is causing much irritation to innocent law-abiding pedestrians. However, since it appears that he lives near me and goes to the same supermarket, you'll be able to get regular updates on his whereabouts if you give me a job.
18. Can you recite the whole of 'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers' backwards, and repeat it three times?
~ Yes. (Turns around) Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...
Metaphysical Conundrums
19. What did you do with the peanut?
~ Are you referring to the peanut currently lodged in the external end of your left ear canal?
20. Do you think these questions are leading anywhere?
~ I was hoping that they would eventually lead to your hiring me, but I am beginning to wonder if this is in fact the case.
Bonus Question:
Are You Paying Attention?
21. I have in my lunchbox the following: an ostrich egg and watercress sandwich made with pumperhumperdumpernickel bread; a cup of Nearly Instant Tomato Potato Soup; a multigrain, multiberry muffin; a packet of Oreos from the Dawn of Time; a banana with 'a.m.' written on it (for my Mid-Morning Banana Break); another banana with 'p.m.' written on it (for my Late Luncheon Banana Break); three cream crackers escorted by a scantily decorated tub of cream cheese; and a Warbly Marbly Black 'n' White ChocoBar. Please estimate the precise calorific value of my lunchbox (excluding its contents), to the nearest 0.001 of a kilocalorie.
~ The lunchbox is assumed to be of the smallish, plastic variety.
Typical heat of combustion of plastic = 18,000 BTUs/lb = 4,538.95921 kCal/lb
Approximate weight of lunchbox = 4 oz = 0.25 lbs
Therefore, calorific value of lunchbox = 4,538.95921 x 0.25 = 1,134.7398025 kCal = 1,134.740 kCal (to the nearest 0.001 of a kilocalorie)
So there.
Note to the reader: As the value I procured for the 'typical heat of combustion of plastic' was in BTUs/lb, I was unfortunately forced to use imperial units for the above calculation. In an age of standardisation, when everyone uses metric (well, except Americans I guess), this irks me greatly. If you are clever enough to redo the calculation using metric units, and still manage to come out with a result in kilocalories, please let me know!
********************
Wasn't that nice? Now you can all go out to your job interviews, armed with the knowledge that whatever damn fool questions they throw at you, there's always a comeback line...
posted by Aureala @ 3:20 pm
5 comments
PIPSOH!
