How to mull correctly
Current mood: Mullnish (or I would be, had I a cheese sandwich to eat)
Current music: The drone of bagpipes from yonder mystic loch. Nah, not really
Some time ago, whilst idly surfing the Weird Web of Wonders, I found a screensaver based on the book, 'The Deeper Meaning of Liff: A dictionary of things there aren't any words for yet' by the late, great Douglas Adams, and his friend John Lloyd. In case you haven't heard of it, here's a little explanation:
"In life there are many hundreds of common experiences, feelings, situations and even objects which we all know and recognize, but for which no words exist. On the other hand, the world is littered with thousands of spare words which spend their time doing nothing but loafing about on signposts pointing to places. Our job, as we see it, is to get these words down off the signposts and on to the mouths of our babes and sucklings and so on, where they can start earning their keep in everyday conversation and make a more positive contribution to society."
In other words, Adams and Lloyd made up funny meanings for place names.
The screensaver shows random entries from the book, some of which are quite amusing. Included below are a few examples that caught my eye:
CANNOCK CHASE (n)
In any box of After Eight Mints, there is always a large number of empty envelopes and no more than four or five actual mints. The cannock chase is the process by which, no matter which part of the box you open, you will always extract most of the empty sachets before pinning down an actual mint, or 'cannock'. The cannock chase also occurs with people who put their dead matches back in the matchbox, and then embarrass themselves at parties trying to light cigarettes with three quarters of an inch of charcoal. The term is also used to describe futile attempts to pursue unscrupulous advertising agencies who nick your ideas to sell chocolates with.
Picture taken from http://blog.yam.com/janicelau/archives/2005-09.html
HEWISH (adj)
In a mood to swipe at vegetation with a stick.
PARROG (n)
God knows. Could be some sort of bird, I suppose.
SUTTON AND CHEAM (n)
Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, and 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to some very curious dinner parties.
And of course, the meaning of 'liff':
LIFF (n)
A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words, 'This book will change your life'.
Out of respect and general admiration for Adams' wit and inventiveness, as well as my own predilection for verbal fabulation, I came out with a few definitions of my own. One day I might put them together and get them published in my own book, possibly under the title, 'How to Mull Correctly: The REAL meanings of place names you think you know'. I am open to suggestions for alternative titles. Anyway, without further ado, I am proud to present to you the first few entries of:
BRIGHTON AND HOVE (n)
Terms describing two different types of residential area.
Brightons are usually suburban estates and feature identical rows of large, beautiful houses with immaculate front lawns and neat gravel drives. A brighton is a place where everybody wants to live but nobody can, because (1) it is hugely expensive, and (2) the management evicts anyone who: makes any noise louder than the snore of a sleeping mouse; attempts to change his/her letter-box without the approval of the President, Head Committee and all twelve Sub-Committees of the Residents' Association; or re-paints his/her walls in any colour other than magnolia. Stepford is the prime example of a brighton.
Hoves, on the other hand, tend to be urban districts, characterised by grim, grey tower blocks constructed mainly from concrete and graffiti; the surrounding air is often permeated by the smell of incontinent drunks and disinfectant. Trees are conspicuous only by their absence, whereas litter is almost unnoticeable in its ubiquitousness. A hove is generally populated by warring gangs, and by people who would very much like to live somewhere else.
LITTLE SODBURY (n)
Any region in which anything annoying that can happen, does happen. Scientific tests have shown that in such areas, a piece of buttered toast falls to the floor buttered side down 99.99% of the time. The remaining 0.01% of the time, the toast either spontaneously combusts due to aerodynamic friction, or falls through an inexplicable wormhole that suddenly opens up in the floorboards. Also called MURPHYSTOWN (n).
N'DJAMENA (n)
The cheerful, often buxom cook in a country B & B who makes excellent pancakes / flapjacks / waffles, and whom everyone refers to as their "Aunt Jemima" through a mouthful of the aforementioned battercake and sweet, sticky syrup / honey / jam.
ULLSWATER (n)
The precise quantity of water in a nautical vessel that induces one half of its occupants to demand its immediate removal, lest it sinks the boat, whilst the other half retorts that a little bit of water never hurt anybody. Although the term usually refers to water in a small craft, such as a rowing boat, punt, canoe or rubber dinghy, the term may also be applied to cruise ships like the Titanic.
An interesting property of ullswater is that any attempt to remove it results in its mysterious spontaneous regeneration within the confines of the vessel, thus maintaining an equilibrium. If, on the other hand, the amount of water is increased beyond ullswater, the vessel will sink with an embarrassing blooping noise.
Picture taken from http://www.ravenblond.com/DaveGloeckner/images/boat.jpeg
Last, but not least:
MULL (v)
(mulled, mullnering, mulls)
To harass sheep by chasing them round a small field, calling "Here, sheepsie sheepsie sheepsie!" or some other equally ridiculous sobriquet, in the mistaken belief that:
1. Sheep actually come when they're called;
2. Fully grown sheep enjoy frolicking as much as lambs do; and
3. What a sheep wants, more than anything else, is a half-eaten cheese sandwich.
Hence:
mullneration (n) - The act of mullnering
mullner (n) - A person who mulls
mullnish (adj) - Inclined to mull
Also:
Picture taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_sheep
mullnee (n) (pl. mullnees) - A sheep that is being mulled
Examples of usage:
- Joe's favourite pastime in the country is mullnering, which he finds more invigorating than cow tipping but less cruel than shooting.
- Harry always feels particularly mullnish after consuming cheese sandwiches; following a large dose of mature English cheddar, he can mull continuously all afternoon, much to the distress of his reluctant mullnees.
I hope you enjoyed that. If you have any interesting place names just dying for a definition, or if you would like to make a literary contribution to my collection, feel free to drop me a line!
Current music: The drone of bagpipes from yonder mystic loch. Nah, not really
Some time ago, whilst idly surfing the Weird Web of Wonders, I found a screensaver based on the book, 'The Deeper Meaning of Liff: A dictionary of things there aren't any words for yet' by the late, great Douglas Adams, and his friend John Lloyd. In case you haven't heard of it, here's a little explanation:
"In life there are many hundreds of common experiences, feelings, situations and even objects which we all know and recognize, but for which no words exist. On the other hand, the world is littered with thousands of spare words which spend their time doing nothing but loafing about on signposts pointing to places. Our job, as we see it, is to get these words down off the signposts and on to the mouths of our babes and sucklings and so on, where they can start earning their keep in everyday conversation and make a more positive contribution to society."
~ Douglas Adams & John Lloyd - Malibu, 1982 ~
In other words, Adams and Lloyd made up funny meanings for place names.
The screensaver shows random entries from the book, some of which are quite amusing. Included below are a few examples that caught my eye:
********************
The Deeper Meaning of Liff
A dictionary of things there aren't any words for yet
CANNOCK CHASE (n)
In any box of After Eight Mints, there is always a large number of empty envelopes and no more than four or five actual mints. The cannock chase is the process by which, no matter which part of the box you open, you will always extract most of the empty sachets before pinning down an actual mint, or 'cannock'. The cannock chase also occurs with people who put their dead matches back in the matchbox, and then embarrass themselves at parties trying to light cigarettes with three quarters of an inch of charcoal. The term is also used to describe futile attempts to pursue unscrupulous advertising agencies who nick your ideas to sell chocolates with.Picture taken from http://blog.yam.com/janicelau/archives/2005-09.html
HEWISH (adj)
In a mood to swipe at vegetation with a stick.
PARROG (n)
God knows. Could be some sort of bird, I suppose.
SUTTON AND CHEAM (n)
Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, and 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to some very curious dinner parties.
And of course, the meaning of 'liff':
LIFF (n)
A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words, 'This book will change your life'.
********************
Out of respect and general admiration for Adams' wit and inventiveness, as well as my own predilection for verbal fabulation, I came out with a few definitions of my own. One day I might put them together and get them published in my own book, possibly under the title, 'How to Mull Correctly: The REAL meanings of place names you think you know'. I am open to suggestions for alternative titles. Anyway, without further ado, I am proud to present to you the first few entries of:
********************
How to Mull Correctly
The REAL meanings of place names you think you know
The REAL meanings of place names you think you know
BRIGHTON AND HOVE (n)
Terms describing two different types of residential area.
Brightons are usually suburban estates and feature identical rows of large, beautiful houses with immaculate front lawns and neat gravel drives. A brighton is a place where everybody wants to live but nobody can, because (1) it is hugely expensive, and (2) the management evicts anyone who: makes any noise louder than the snore of a sleeping mouse; attempts to change his/her letter-box without the approval of the President, Head Committee and all twelve Sub-Committees of the Residents' Association; or re-paints his/her walls in any colour other than magnolia. Stepford is the prime example of a brighton.
Hoves, on the other hand, tend to be urban districts, characterised by grim, grey tower blocks constructed mainly from concrete and graffiti; the surrounding air is often permeated by the smell of incontinent drunks and disinfectant. Trees are conspicuous only by their absence, whereas litter is almost unnoticeable in its ubiquitousness. A hove is generally populated by warring gangs, and by people who would very much like to live somewhere else.
LITTLE SODBURY (n)
Any region in which anything annoying that can happen, does happen. Scientific tests have shown that in such areas, a piece of buttered toast falls to the floor buttered side down 99.99% of the time. The remaining 0.01% of the time, the toast either spontaneously combusts due to aerodynamic friction, or falls through an inexplicable wormhole that suddenly opens up in the floorboards. Also called MURPHYSTOWN (n).
N'DJAMENA (n)
The cheerful, often buxom cook in a country B & B who makes excellent pancakes / flapjacks / waffles, and whom everyone refers to as their "Aunt Jemima" through a mouthful of the aforementioned battercake and sweet, sticky syrup / honey / jam.
ULLSWATER (n)
The precise quantity of water in a nautical vessel that induces one half of its occupants to demand its immediate removal, lest it sinks the boat, whilst the other half retorts that a little bit of water never hurt anybody. Although the term usually refers to water in a small craft, such as a rowing boat, punt, canoe or rubber dinghy, the term may also be applied to cruise ships like the Titanic.An interesting property of ullswater is that any attempt to remove it results in its mysterious spontaneous regeneration within the confines of the vessel, thus maintaining an equilibrium. If, on the other hand, the amount of water is increased beyond ullswater, the vessel will sink with an embarrassing blooping noise.
Picture taken from http://www.ravenblond.com/DaveGloeckner/images/boat.jpeg
Last, but not least:
MULL (v)
(mulled, mullnering, mulls)
To harass sheep by chasing them round a small field, calling "Here, sheepsie sheepsie sheepsie!" or some other equally ridiculous sobriquet, in the mistaken belief that:
1. Sheep actually come when they're called;
2. Fully grown sheep enjoy frolicking as much as lambs do; and
3. What a sheep wants, more than anything else, is a half-eaten cheese sandwich.
Hence:
mullneration (n) - The act of mullnering
mullner (n) - A person who mulls
mullnish (adj) - Inclined to mull
Also:
Picture taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_sheepmullnee (n) (pl. mullnees) - A sheep that is being mulled
Examples of usage:
- Joe's favourite pastime in the country is mullnering, which he finds more invigorating than cow tipping but less cruel than shooting.
- Harry always feels particularly mullnish after consuming cheese sandwiches; following a large dose of mature English cheddar, he can mull continuously all afternoon, much to the distress of his reluctant mullnees.
********************
I hope you enjoyed that. If you have any interesting place names just dying for a definition, or if you would like to make a literary contribution to my collection, feel free to drop me a line!
posted by Aureala @ 7:21 pm
7 comments
PIPSOH!
